For expats: Travel safe at Tet in Vietnam, sort of... Foreigners walk at a flower festival organized to celebrate Tet in Vietnam. Tuoi Tre A long time ago my mum sagely advised me to expect traveling to be full of mix-ups, foul-ups and stuff-ups. While we all love Tet – it’s also a crazy, fabulous and hazardous time in Vietnam. If you’re experienced, understanding that trouble sometimes accompanies a trip is part and parcel of the map that Google doesn’t document. For those still in love with the pictures in the brochure and TripAdvisor’s marketing hype, the shock that the world according to you isn’t going to be the plan you scribbled at the coffee shop while surfing the net is educational. Most of us not from the mid-west of America and planning to vote for Trump have enough acumen to be wary of a few things during this time: Taxi Nazi’s, cafés that should be condemned for destruction, hotel receptionists with culturally challenged manners, begging shopkeepers who follow you down the street, promotional girls who shove pamphlets in your face as you’re avoiding motorbikes and, of course, that tiny travel agency still using Windows XP while screaming at the kids in the back of the shop. That still leaves plenty of room for danger, rip-offs, bad judgment and a host of life lessons that need a bit of thought to avoid. Buses also worry me. The whole nation is on the move over this week and you need to avoid the kamikaze drivers. These are often identified by the kid hanging out of the open door grabbing parcels from passing motorbikes on multi-lane highways – just take a photo discretely for your memoirs. Sit right up the back and demand to be re-seated if the woman next to you is wearing a motorbike helmet. You can also spot the ‘final destination’ buses by the huge argument between the staff, passengers and last minute delivery guy while packing cartons in the storage bay as bemused tour guides stare intently at tour schedules praying no one asks him to get involved. Advice: turn on your heel and tell the travel agent that your mum rang from France and there’s a last minute change of plan. As you wearily step off the bus and the true horror of the hotel confronts you, ask the nearest couple waiting on a motorbike for a 15 dollar a night hostel. If you’re in a part of town that isn’t a tourist district, tell the taxi driver you need to get to a hospital quickly and might throw up if he doesn’t hurry. This achieves two goals – he’ll be afraid to rip you off and along the way you have a second chance to look for something decent. Late night gigs – you’ve done the day’s touring and want to tell someone. A bar, of course, is the perfect place. Two things to check – how far is it from your hotel and is it sleazy? Being drunk at midnight, unaware of your surroundings and blowing money is a dopey way to become a target. Even when you are in a group, try to remember that booze (and other stuff) can make even ISIS seem like friendly people. Xe om (motorbike taxi) guys wearing sunglasses at 1:00 am do not have taxi meters and definitely don’t have the correct change. Rule: if you wouldn’t do it back home – don’t do it here. Good habits help. Check out places in the early evening or afternoon within walking distance of your hotel. Expat bars are recommended, we need the money. Traffic: I could write a book about crossing the road here if I had the time, however riding around on a motorbike is almost unavoidable. If you have the dough, take a taxi, even if it’s a rip-off it’s still safer than old Mr. Vien’s Honda cub. Renting a motorbike? Demand a decent helmet – wearing a pink Hello Kitty eggshell says more about you than the motorbike shop. Make sure you wear covered shoes too; even if it’s 40 in the shade, it’s more comfortable than having a prosthesis. If you’re reading this article now with trembling fingers, don’t worry. Tet is a glorious festival of life with one of the best atmospheres I’ve ever encountered in Asia. If you can get past the hustle and bustle, the noise and short-sighted commercialism, you’ll discover the people – funny, tough, living life full on and willing to learn about us. So be smart, be safe and have a Happy New Year. Chuc Mung Nam Moi (Happy New Year)! Tuoitrenews. STIVI COOKE