8 things to do while the Internet is slow in Vietnam
People are seen working
on their laptops in Ho Chi Minh City in this 2015 file photo. Tuoi Tre
It
seems the Internet sharks have been busy again, with the interweb scheduled
for repairs between June 22 and June 27. Many continue to
blame the breaks on the sharks, after they were reported to have bitten the
cables off two years ago. Suffice to say, they must have the best dentists in
Vietnam! If you stick around this country long enough you’ll encounter the
mysterious phenomenon of the Internet speeds with more variation than orders
at a highway Banh Mi stall.
Having said
that, it’s vastly superior to Australia’s mythical national broadband
Internet scheme which is over-budget, behind schedule and possible already
out-dated. Maybe cousin Vien should take over the project and build a highway
while he’s at it.
Somewhere
between blackouts, power cuts, cable routing by hand using giant bamboo
ladders and neighbors accidently pulling out your Wi-Fi while setting up
their wedding, you’ll still need ways to chill out and deal with the voices
in your head demanding Facebook responses for that mean comment someone threw
at you last night.
In the
interest of public sanity, safety and tourism, I’ve put together a few ideas.
All of these
presume that you have candles, oil lamps and some non-perishable food,
friends or a bar nearby, a topped up motorbike and some cash (if it’s after
the 5th of the
month)
1) Get a
life
Tip-tapping on a keyboard should be left to the professionals like me, who
make a meager living providing content. Your goal should be to explore
Vietnam and the 3,000 ways to carry something on a motorbike. Take a boat
trip, but stay on the upper deck. Go to Ba Na Hills park and take pictures of
Da Nang through the cloud cover. Go to a local shopping mall, though be sure
to wear ear plugs. Also take the Missus, the kids and the pets too – they’ll
all fit on a Honda Cub, no problem!
2) Dare to
get on a bus
Yeah, this
is scary but it will put hair on your chest and your mum will be proud of
your bravery. If you survive, you will learn something the Internet can never
teach you – the choices you make have consequences – so next time, take the
train and a case of beer.
3) Learn a
language
You came to
Vietnam for experiences so this is the penultimate one. Learning to haggle
will give you a wonderfully false sense of empowerment that will lead you
(and your bank account) into realms of fantasy you simply wouldn’t get back
home. Who knows? You might even be able to pronounce the ‘ng’ sound!
4) Try to
buy shoes
Similar to
number 3 because I was struggling for ideas. Shoes are an education in
quality control and communication. The notion that shoes, particularly
sneakers, need to be stitched, not glued, is a mystery to a nation that
mostly wears imitation leather sandals. Should you actually manage to get
what you ordered, I recommend you frame the result and never wear them for
the rest of your life.
5) Do some
repairs
There’s
something so satisfying and ‘cavemanish’ about repairing things. Suddenly
you’ll realize you can make fire by yourself, catch meat in the wild and fashion
a spear from bamboo like a local. However it is advisable to take a picture
of what you need and a dictionary when you approach the hardware stores.
6) Order
takeaways
A sign of
mastery of the Vietnamese way of life – the simple act of successfully getting
your address right on the phone without having to stand outside waving
frantically in all directions will thrill your worried parents back home and
be living proof that you can learn from experience.
7) Draw
something – no really!
Even simple
doodles sometimes awaken the inner child and create that sense of mystery you
paid thousands to travel half way around the world to get. The act of drawing
is soothing, clever and a great bar conversation piece for those nights when
the Internet is too slow to watch football.
8) Have a
REAL conversation
No,
seriously – the end of the Internet is not the end of life as we know it.
There are these things called ‘people’, who use ‘communication’ with their
faces. You’ll be surprised how much local news you’ve missed out on because
you’ve been obsessed with Donald Trump or saving cats. Who knows? You might
start a romance, discover that someone has something in common with you or
you could secretly think “I’m glad I don’t have your life”.
Try them all
– the advantages outweigh the disadvantages – besides it’s a chance to
remember why you’re here in Vietnam – to be surprised by life.
STIVI COOKE
|
Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 6, 2016
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